The Candle still ignites the Hope

As i got up today in the morning and was getting my thoughts oriented all i could thin

k of was a year back, when i got out of my bed in AP to start the shooting for the Indo-Japaness Caux meeting.

What followed was a journey of seven days that has moulded my life and given me a character that i, with all my faults, still feel proud of. In those seven days i found some of the most amazing people who taught me so many wonderful leassons.

Right from Mike, Suresh uncle, Leena aunty, Jagdish uncle and aunty, Nima, James, Mr. Gomes, Netra Parikh and not to forget dear old Vish uncle. (well i am just putting names to some of them, in essence i can sit and name every single person, even the gaurd who rings that gong near the school field).

A lot has changed in last one year. Uncle Vish would now be telling the amazing stories of life and teaching human skills up in heaven, Mike's family has grown and so has Jagdish Uncle's with a beautiful grand daughter and even my best friend Avni who went to AP for a month long internship and came back much at peace with her self, changed person she became, but that feeling and that spirit still lives in me.

Everyday i question my self, how is it possible to live with that spark for so long? How does that little spark flicker through the storms of life, how great is its strength then?

I wonder if i will ever get an answer to it, but i am glad that spark still carries on. With constant struggle in life, each element of that place reminds me and teaches me few leassons. The mighty table land teaches me to stand strong and face the harshest of storms, the tall trees remind me to aim high, the pathways remind me to make an attempt to find the correct path way to traverse in my life and the calm surroundings teach me to control my anger. The evening culture program put up by my batch reminds me of the potential that we have and what we can achieve. The 4 aspects of life... Purity, Honesty, Unselfishness and Lovepinched with our own little bit of sacrifice teaches me the amazing bond we can have and of course the chatter box keeps me on my toes.... Not to forget the wash up time.... serve with a smile without thinking whose job you are doing as long as you are happy.

Today, i just want to thank every single person who i have had the pleasure to meet through AP. The most amazing set of teachers i have come across.

Thanks to Avni for helping me keep that spirit going.

Thanks to Revati, my script writer for the film. Girl our lives might have taken us away from each other but i can never forget the person whose shoulder I wept on because my eye was hurting so badly and you held me. THANK YOU for everything and teaching me so much in life.

and finally

Anupam Sir.......

THE SMOKE SONG.

“It’s just you and I, and a 100 mile,

It’s a long journey, but we’ll end it in a flurry.

Walking hand in hand, playing our band.

Heaven shall listen, you and I kissing.”

“It’s a tiring path, causes us bleeding heart,

Relentless we walk on, singing our sweet song.

Destination we shall reach, life’s final beach.

Battered and bruised, but to the new world we’ll cruise.”

“Walking hand in hand, playing our band.

Heaven shall listen, you and I kissing.”

“The milestones we fly by, answering when and why,

No reasons no complaints, none to restrain.

Smoke in the air, wind in the hair,

Roads keep intersecting, path keeps complicating.”

“It’s just you and I, and a 100 mile,

It’s a long journey, but we will end it in a flurry.”

“In the distance we see, as the end we reach,

A glowing sun set, with eyes all wet.

Wishing to walk no more, and knocking the last door,

With you I shall sleep, and leave the world to weep.”

SRCC GROUND, December 1999.

Avonities

Seeking Answers

i dont know what happened last night? I dont know who was wrong or who was right? i dont know if i should have asked you to wait or i should have made others wait? i do not know if you think low of me is a sign or a remark? i do not know what if i am here on 30th or not? i do not know if i am here on my birthday or not? i do not know if i want to stay here anymore or not? i do not know if i am hurting you or am i hurting myself? i do not know if i should take my medicines or not? i do not know if i can will myself to smile a fake smile or not? i do not know what to trust or who to trust? i do not know if i have changed or not? i do not know if i have the strength to walk or not? i do not know if i have the strenght to answer the pointing fingers or not? i do not know if i have the willingness to answer questions asked of me or not? i do not know if i seek answers in me or in my surroundings? i do not know if there is a possibility to even explore for the last reserves of courage or not? i do not know if i make others happy or not? i do not know if i am too self consumed or not? i do not know if i am selfish or not? i do not know if i understand my own self or not? i dont know if i believe in my own self or not? i do not know if my questions are more than i can ask or not? i do not know if i want to hear the answers or not?

Journey to the Hills

“Feel lost and sad, making me go mad, trying to save my self, i know i need your help, just wanted to know....... can u hold me for ever? Can we be together? i hope i can feel your touch, i know i may be asking for too

much...."

"oh but its true, i have always loved you, come snow or shine, i just wanna make u mine....... i know i am asking for too much..........."

"just the stroll in the park, a little tug in my heart, i don’t know what to do, i wont be able to live with you.................."

“oh but it’s true, i have always loved you, come snow or shine, i just wanna make u mine....... i know i am asking for too much..........."

“putting you in my bed, your smell running in my head, I know I am quite high, maybe its just you and me that’s why, looking to find my way, and that’s why I say…. can u hold me for ever? Can we be together? i hope i can feel your touch, i know i may be asking for too much...."

"oh but its true, i have always loved you, come snow or shine, i just wanna make u mine....... i know i am asking for too much..........."

“the night we spent by the sea, the memories split me, i don’t know what to do, i wont be able to live with you.................."

“oh but it’s true, i have always loved you, come snow or shine, i just wanna make u mine....... i know i am asking for too much..........."

“your picture on my table, was it all a sweet fable? All the promises we made, I know I won’t let them fade, your kiss is what I seek and hence I plead…. can u hold me for ever? Can we be together? i hope i can feel your touch, i know i may be asking for too much...."

"oh but its true, i have always loved you, come snow or shine, i just wanna make u mine....... i know i am asking for too much..........."

"oh but its true, i have always loved you, come snow or shine, i just wanna make u mine....... i know i am asking for too much..........."

-MV53.

You never know, when what shall strike you. The song I wrote way back in school and never thought of putting a face to it seems to be getting a face. When one is sad and seeking joy, there are strange ways even the nature conspires towards it.

The town was painting it self in colors and in the midst of high spirit and festivity there were few souls looking at the sky and drenching in the rain with pain and tear. As the sun dimed and the lights in the heart started fading, the hurting souls decided to share their pain.

And what started as a small journey ended to be the journey of a life time. In the rain, up the hill, wind blowing in the face and the company of the dearest. And then the question, how far can we all go? The answer was quite simple… lets go all the way.

So we went, all the way up the hill in the dark, with rain and wind gushing and talking to us and us just talking to each other. Oh how the moments change, from hurting soul to a mind blowing journey of a life time.

And wait, the journey had laughs and more laughs and crazy moments. Center point, ac and non ac rooms, petrol pumps dhabhas chikkis and wait, there was games… board games.

WHAT A JOURNEY!!!

“MY PATH LOST?”

Is there a sense of despair in me today?

Lying sick in my bed I thought of that place.

Burning in fever I wished I had the coolness of that surrounding.

When I was dying for a morsel of food, I wished for the feeding I got there.

And when I longed for love, I found I had it all there.

Today, when I had packed my bags and was ready to leave for that home,

I was stopped in my path. To go another direction, to look for a new home.

I wish I could cry, I want to cry. Yet something stops me. Something that makes me feel

You move on. That house is yours forever, right now, someone else needs the love and care that

House gave you. Let that person get her share. Let her become a part of this family. A family

That I am a part of already. It will just help me later. It will help us all later.

To hold hands to hold each other to hold our lives together…

So my dear tear, roll back and stay. Stay for I might need you, when I turn you into a tear of joy…

HOME AWAY FROM HOME!

Fable of a hurting soul.

“Tell me your fable….A fable... Tell me your fable... Talk to me, tenderly …. Show reality fantasy, We'll bound together All win in one feat Talk to me, tenderly S

how reality fantasy, We'll bound together All win in one feat.”
- Robert Milles.

Every place has a story attached to it. A story which can be interpreted in any which way you attach yourself to it. It could be a happy story or a sad story. It can be a story that reminds you of your past memories or a story that makes you want to erase your memory.

This place where I stand right now, Xavier’s Villa, has a story attached to it. A story of a hunted hut, a story of a lady who wants to be attached to this place even after she is dead. In front of me are two graves, graves that hide things that makes me wonder, when I lie in one of them, what story would be attached to my name?

Right now I feel deserted and alone. Right now I feel like setting so many things back in place. Yet I know I can’t do that. And thus, I wonder, if I will ever be able to settle these demons in my own mind. Will my story finish with the same reluctance that I carry right now or will I be able to smile on it?

So many people have tried to change what their life has gone through, and I am just one of them. Every second is a struggle to come to terms with reality. A struggle which at times leaves us on the brink of self destruction. Moments when you fell as if your life has no meaning, no purpose. Moments when you fell it’s better to live alone than to lose someone you love and live with the pain for ever.

At such moment most of us would see fault in the best of things that we do. Even the greatest of achievements would look like drab. And the worst part is at such times you start losing interest in things that you are best in. Times that are yours to shine become grey and dark. You doubt the very thing that once you could have done with your eyes closed.
Xavier’s Villa! Oh what stories you hold? What past you must have had and what future beckons you? Oh my life! What would I do to go in my past? To a time when I could smile because I could see others smile. To a time when my pains were mere emotional feathers. Light and easy to blow away. Not like now. Not like today, when I can’t carry the burden of pricking soul with me anymore.

This house, in ruins it stands. Is this a reflection of where I have reached in my life? To make any decision, I struggle. And when I do decide on something, I do that for the wrong reasons. I stay alone, away from the ones I need. Or away because I feel they don’t want me? Demons of my own mind? Haunted like Xavier’s Villa?

I question myself over and over. I lose my sleep for that. I see myself drown in alcohol, and rise only after substance abuse. Was this my identity? Was this my final introduction? Who am I today and what will I be tomorrow? So many questions, yet the inability to answer them.
But, the fable must continue. It must reach its end. To a conclusion which even I don’t know of. Only thing I know is I have lost the story that I wanted to tell. Now, its just pieces of tales attached together to make MY FABLE!!!